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Today I live a life where I eat what I want. So I could eventually see that my life is beautiful and has worth, no matter what I weigh or look like. And they were there from all parts of the country to pick me up and get me the help I needed. I still turned to heroin to ease my pain. So when that day came and my whole world came crashing down as I sat with the love of my life dying in my arms – I didn’t stop. I had, and still have a rock star group of friends since childhood who watched me struggle through the years – never judged, always loved and were, and are, always there. Because I was powerless and once again, my life had become unmanageable. Because it kept me connected to the one I loved.
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And my demons met with his demons and before I knew it I was dealing coke and slamming dope. And 30 days that I didn’t do a single bit of work on my food issues and body image anxieties. 30 days where I met the man I would soon marry.
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Who made all the calls and arrangements to put me on a bus that took me to my first rehab. I was blessed with the grace of the women in that 12 step group who took me in. About my chasing that never-ending dragon to be perfectly thin.įast forward – I eventually landed on the steps of a church on the Upper West Side of Manhattan after a night of trolling the streets seeing pink elephants and terrified I was going to die. I didn’t have crazy parties and share my stash. I didn’t do drugs in front of other people except for guys I was dating. Even when I did binge and purge I would just hide it with mouthwash, hairspray and perfume. But back then the credit card companies were happy to give a kid a gold card and it was all about cash advances. I became so obsessed with not eating anything containing any amount of fat or a significant amount of calories that I existed on nothing but cocaine and orange juice. And then whenever I felt sad, depressed, overwhelmed – I’d just binge and purge. I figured out real fast I could do coke, not eat and work out twice a day because I had so much energy. I eventually got over that fear the first time I did cocaine in a bar in the East Village of NYC. But it didn’t matter that my friends were dealing with kidney failure and heart problems from bulimia. In fact I was adamant in ‘just saying no’ when it came to the hard stuff. College was about chain smoking, starving or eating as much as I possibly could and racing my dancer friends to the showers to see who could vomit up everything we just ate the fastest. By the age of 16, I had progressed from Vivarin and laxatives to full-blown Frosties and purging (because anything cold and creamy makes it all come up that much easier). I do remember coming home to my husband on our one year wedding anniversary blue in the face and dying in my arms from a heroin overdose.